Episode 8

When we were in junior high school, which is more commonly known these days as middle school, it seemed liked every kid’s dream was to skip school.

“Where’s Johnny?”

“Oh, he skipped school!”

Our eyes would light up. Johnny was our hero because he skipped school. As is usually the case in life however, when the time comes to actually fulfill a dream like skipping school, it often doesn’t go the way you thought it would.

I quickly got up and told my girlfriend I was going to the restroom. I didn’t go to the restroom. Instead, I went and hid in a hallway that led to the restroom. Here I would plan my great escape!

Let’s Do it

In high school, I was a good kid. I worked hard at school. Well, I did for one year at least, then I started dating girls and I was more interested in learning girls than school. That’s the natural progression, right? Of course, if you have a girlfriend in high school, the two of you are required to skip school together, so one day, that’s what my girlfriend and I did. We skipped school.

There was this popular Italian restaurant in the next town over. It was so popular in fact that I can’t even remember the name of it. Maybe it was named Mario’s or perhaps Luigi’s. Honestly, I just don’t remember. Anyway, we decided we would have lunch there on our skip day.

We arrived at this restaurant on a cloudy, dreary day and were seated at a table with a white cloth. The restaurant had a bit of a diner feel to it. The mood was serene and the atmosphere was pleasant, with instrumental music playing at a low level. The staff were all very kind and patient.

Mrs. Lynn!

As we sat at our table waiting for our order to be taken, I noticed a lady a few tables over who looked very familiar. Let me just say that I’m notorious for seeing someone, thinking they are someone else and making a big deal about speaking to them, only to realize we’ve never met, leaving me to look awkward and uninformed.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that Mrs. Lynn was the lady I recognized a few tables over. I hadn’t seen Mrs. Lynn in ages! Perhaps the fact that I hadn’t seen Mrs. Lynn in ages should have tipped me off to the fact that… well… you’ll see.

“MRS. LYNN! MRS. LYNN!”, I exclaimed as I waved my hands excitedly, much like Forrest Gump expressing his excitement toward Lieutenant Dan when seeing him for the first time in years.

Nothing. I got nothing back from “Mrs. Lynn”. Well, that’s not true, I received the stare of a confused, somewhat irritated person, who like me, all of the sudden did not want to be sitting in this restaurant anymore.

“Oh crap!”, I whispered to myself as my head drooped and my right thumb and index finger gripped the bridge of my nose.

“Oh no, what is it!?”, my girlfriend exclaimed concernedly.

“That’s not Mrs. Lynn. I’ve never met this woman in my life!”

“Oh my gosh”, my girlfriend added as she bowed her head and placed her right hand on her forehead, as if to block the sun from her eyes.

Let me just say that I’m notorious for seeing someone, thinking they are someone else and making a big deal about speaking to them, only to realize we’ve never met, leaving me to look awkward and uninformed.

Time To Go

By this time I was red from embarrassment. I had to figure something out… and fast! I quickly got up and told my girlfriend I was going to the restroom. I didn’t go to the restroom. Instead, I went and hid in a hallway that led to the restroom. Here I would plan my great escape! After a few minutes of playing it out in my mind, my plan was ready for action.

I went to the edge of the hallway, where only my girlfriend could see me. It was a spot where “Mrs. Lynn” could not see me.

“Sppp, sppp”, I softly sounded out to my girlfriend. She looked over at me in horror.

“What are you doing!?”, she confusedly asked with an irritated look on her face.

“I’m leaving!”, I responded.

“No!”, she replied.

“I… AM… LEAVING”, I whispered more intensely as I pointed to my chest several times.

Then I left. I felt a sense of freedom as I made it to the parking lot, shortly followed by my girlfriend, who was not amused in the least. I told her it was our “only play”, as if we were in an episode of “24”.

Low on Fuel

As we head back toward our side of town, we both realized that we still had not eaten. I guess in all the excitement, we lost track of our hunger for a moment. No worries. We knew of another Italian restaurant closer to home. We would go there.

On the way there, we were running low on gas, so we stopped and refueled. The only problem was when we left, we got back on the interstate, then realized that I hadn’t put the gas cap back on the vehicle. It was, hopefully, still at the gas station. So, we turned around and drove back to the gas station. Luckily, the gas cap was sitting there right next to the gas pump. Disaster averted or perhaps it was just another necessary step in this Twilight Zone episode we were in. I don’t really know, but it was annoying.

Weird Cheese Stick

As we sat down at our table at this second Italian restaurant we had visited that day, we were starving. We weren’t really starving, we were just teenagers who thought if you missed a meal, you were “starving”. This time I promised not to waive at or even speak to anyone who looked like someone I thought I knew. Instead, I ordered cheese sticks as an appetizer. This restaurant had a reputation for great cheese sticks.

The cheese sticks looked amazing. They were crispy and breaded on the outside, but warm and gooey on the inside. They were perfect. The taste was even better. They were seasoned perfectly with just the right amount of garlic and butter.

As I bit into my first cheese stick, I was transported to “Cloud 9”. Unfortunately, I was also quickly transported right back down to Earth at terminal velocity when I began to choke on this cheese stick. This was no ordinary cheese stick, for this cheese stick had what seemed like infinite cheese that stretched from my hand all the way down into what had to have been my small intestine.

Gagging, I abruptly dropped the cheese stick on my plate and looked at my girlfriend in horror. What more could I put this poor girl through? Similar to her experience at the first Italian restaurant, my girlfriend was utterly confused. She quickly realized what was going on, but seemed too paralyzed to do anything other than laugh at me. I quickly jumped up and began giving myself the Heimlich maneuver, to no avail. In the process I knocked over several chairs and our table and made a huge scene. Being certain that I was near death, I made one last gasp effort to save myself by grabbing this five foot rope of cheese and literally pulling it from my stomach until the entire thing was out of me.

After that, I was sweating and quite frankly I was exhausted, so we finished our cheese sticks without further incident and went home where it seemed little could go wrong.

As I bit into my first cheese stick, I was transported to “Cloud 9”. Unfortunately, I was also quickly transported right back down to Earth at terminal velocity when I began to choke on this cheese stick.

So this, kids, is why you should never skip school. You may avoid schoolwork, but you will not escape Murphy and his Law!